Just In Need of Reassurance Here...

Fear. All of us fear something. 

I fear getting a paper cut on my tongue when I lick an envelope. 

I fear leaving my school bathroom without knowing there's toilet paper (or some other female item) stuck to me somewhere. 

I fear going to the bathroom in the dark. 

I fear getting a surprise pick up from school because something might be terribly wrong. 

I fear what others think of me. 

I fear that everything I know might be wrong. 

I fear that everything I'm learning is wrong. 

I fear failure. 

The second to last fear is probably the most prominent right now. These 10 months is definitely a learning journey above perhaps everything else. I'm learning to love God more through Mary. I'm learning to trust, to obey, to be humble, to be pure, to be wise, to be kind, to be patient--the list goes on. I'm only 4 weeks in, already I feel I'm learning. 

Even with this being month one and my first virtue of purity, I feel like I love God ten times more than I did in May. I've pushed the boys, among other things involving purity, to the sidelines. I said that during these 10 months I would not date nor would I let a boy hold me away from God. That was a tough choice because when I turn sixteen next month I'll be allowed to date; it was also a choice I felt God wanted me to make. 

Without the lads in my line of sight, I see God. Perhaps not physically (but how awesome would that be?!), but metaphorically. I have a clearer image of how much He loves me and how much I mean to Him, and He to me. I've taken the steps to attaining a Brown Scapular and having it blessed in order to grow closer to Our Mother, as well, along with other Mary-focused things. 

But what if I love God the wrong way? What if I learn to love Mary the wrong way? It's silly to think that we could love someone the wrong way. I'm not talking about a Heathcliff and Catherine love, because that wasn't love at all, in my opinion. I'm not talking about infatuation or a crush. I mean true love. It's a silly doubt to think that we could truly love someone the wrong way, because, well, if it's true love then God is at the center and it's a good thing. 

But what if I get told that I'm wrong about something? What if lots of people tell me I've learned something wrong? Then, I guess I should listen to their advice. That's what they're there for, right? To advise and protect me. And hey, once you get past about three or four people telling you the same thing, you might want to think about what it is they're saying. 

But what if I meet my soul mate or something during this journey and he leaves because I belong to God? Well, I guess he wasn't my soul mate. Or it wasn't time for us to be together. A lass should love God so much that in order for a lad to find her, he must find God. 

I guess this post was less about meaning and more about me getting my thoughts out in the open and reassuring myself in a way I can understand. And also perhaps, asking the like two or three people that actually read these words to be bold in telling me what they think. I want to learn. I want to hear what you have to say, too. 

And I like this picture, so TADA!

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[source: http://www.fortuneart.net/store/GO_be-not_afraid.htm]