Narrative of a Kitty

I've always wondered what goes through a cat's mind--especially my cat. My cat, Alice, has two inside-jokish nicknames. "MAlice" and "Psycho Kitty". She can be both quite mean when she wishes (never to me, of course) and psychotic. I mean, I've never seen a cat who will jump onto a desk, miss, bump her head on the underside, and try again and again. Perhaps lots of cats do, and we just have an entire world of "psycho kitties".

But I digress (I love that word, but I pronounced it wrong until just recently). A narrative. Just a simple thing of what I've figured out through behavior, expressions, and the tone of meows may perhaps go through the mind of Alice the Cat.

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I lead my human kitten through my house. I want to go outside and perhaps catch her a birdie for breakfast. Poor human kitten; her mind is duller than her sense of smell. Ah, now she sees. I must exaggerate so much sometimes. 


Oh, look a trash pile that the her male human litter-mate left behind. Does she think I'm just going to step on it? Poor human kitten, she just doesn't understand that she must move it. I'll forgive her this time. 


She opens the door. There we go. But why doesn't she escort me outside? I am her mother and queen, after all. But I shall show mercy on her and forgive her dull-witted human mind. 


********************* [later that night]


I jump onto the outrageously large resting place of my human kitten. She's awake, I see. Poor human kitten. Doesn't know how to make a proper bed. 


I've taught her well the arts of caressing the queen, though. She at least understands that a purr is good, and a growl is bad. Ah, she does well. I lick her twice as a reward. Now, commence your caressing, once more, my human kitten! 


Now, this side. Good. Another lick. Well done, human kitten. No, no, no, my human kitten. Don't touch my paws! Good, back to long strokes. Here, I shall grant you another lick to encourage you. 


I shall knead you now and prepare you for sleep. I know my human kitten cannot stay up at night like I can. Poor human species. They miss the joys of the night-time hunt. 


What? Drawing covers over skin? How can I properly prepare you for sleep if I cannot touch you? I know my claws scratch your human skin, but you must, my human kitten! It is the way of the queen and mother cat. 


There. All settled. You have done well, my human kitten. Now it is time for a bath. Sit still while I wash your face. Silly human kitten, wrinkling your nose and closing your eyes. 


Ah, I see my human kitten is going to sleep now. Good human kitten. Perhaps my presence shall stir in you sweet dreams of the hunt and of what a real feline does! 


Perhaps I shall doze while my human kitten goes into her deep sleep. I must take care of my human kitten and raise her right. 


Now, dozing is over. I shall patrol the house. Good night, my human kitten. I await your caressing and grateful servitude in the morning. 


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